


Reassurance

by CherryK



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, i like writing sad things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-02
Updated: 2014-06-02
Packaged: 2018-02-03 04:36:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1731350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CherryK/pseuds/CherryK
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a mission has ended badly, Phil finds himself unable to sleep. He opens up to Melinda, who happens to be doing Tai Chi in the cargo bay just then, and eventually says more than he originally intended to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reassurance

It was some time in the middle of the night – one of those nights after a particularly straining mission – and Phil Coulson was lying awake in his bunk. He felt sore, utterly defeated and so, so tired, but the young woman they couldn’t save that day kept screaming in the back of his mind. She had trusted the wrong people and paid the price. They had burnt her alive, just out of the team’s reach, separated from them through a pulsing field of energy – absolutely no way to get through to her. If only Phil had found her earlier, if only he hadn’t taken so long to locate her capturers’ whereabouts, he could have…

He had to stop himself at that. He was driving himself crazy. Restless as he was, he got up, left his quarters and headed for … well, what exactly was he headed for, actually? He didn’t care at all, he figured. Trying not to run into furniture or knock anything over, which would wake everyone else up, kept his mind occupied and the demons at bay. Somehow he ended up downstairs in the cargo bay. The last thing he had expected to find there was Melinda May standing in the center of the training mats she had laid out, going through her usual Tai Chi moves.

She was not at all startled by his sudden appearance. Instead, she gave him a brief look, as though she had been expecting him, but didn’t say a word. Phil sat down at the edge of the mats, watching her move. She was graceful, her motions slow and steady, reminding him of a flowing river. They needed no words to understand one another’s worries and fears. They would share a reassuring look – a look that didn’t conceal anything, not even the darkest secret. Watching her was comforting in a way, but not quite enough to calm his anxiety. He felt a sudden urge to talk, to tell her everything, even though he was well aware that she knew most of it. He just needed to get it all out of his system, the worry, the guilt, the _fear…_

“I could have done it, you know. Saved her, I mean. I… was so blind. If I hadn’t fallen for their distraction, we could’ve gotten to her in time. Melinda, I can’t… I’m still hearing her screams, and it’s all my fault. It reminds me so much of that Scorch guy a while back, when they misled us, the victim died, and we couldn’t do a thing.” Phil sighed, leaning against the wall. Melinda was holding her stance now. She balanced on one foot expertly with her back turned to him. He didn’t even know whether she was actually listening or not.

“I’m just not sure I can deal with this much longer. They should have let me die then, they just should have let me go. I mean… why does everyone want me sticking around when I can’t even do my goddamn job and keep people safe? What if anything happened to anyone of the team? Would I fail them as well? I am supposed to take care, I’m responsible. I can’t let my team down… my family… I can’t let _you_ down, Melinda. I have done so in the past, back when… when Bahrain happened and… I couldn’t protect you.”

She had stopped dead in her tracks at the mention of Bahrain, and he half-expected her to turn around and yell at him to get lost. She just stood still, though, unable to face him. He immediately regretted hitting that nerve, but he couldn’t take back the words now. That mission had shaken her to the core, so badly that she had turned from being calm and gentle to being the silent and harsh woman she was now. Still, he had grown to care for her in all the years they had been working together and even that drastic change of personality had never stopped him from believing that the ‘old’ Melinda was still somewhere in there, hidden away beneath a stoic expression. It had not been long ago, when he had discovered that he hadn’t just grown to care for her like a friend, but that there was something more to it; something he couldn’t quite decipher yet.

“I don’t know what I’d do if anything ever happened to you, Mel, I couldn’t forgive myself if you got hurt again. I tried to imagine what things would have been like if you hadn’t survived back then, and I figured that I couldn’t handle the thought… the thought of losing the one person I care about most.”

Melinda finally turned around at those words, finding Phil staring at some distant place, a different time only visible to him. He seemed to be caught up in his thoughts completely.

“I just want you to know that… You’re the reason I’m still holding on, after everything that’s happened lately.”

For the first time in many years Melinda May had to fight hard to hold her tears back. Never before had he let her in like that. She had heard the pain lacing his voice. She wanted, no, needed it to disappear and see him smile again. Quietly she approached him and sat down next to him; her sudden closeness making him snap out of his trance. He seemed so endlessly tired. For a moment they shared a look; she held his weary gaze, searching for unspoken words in the depth of his eyes, but all she found was that unbearable sadness she so desperately wanted to take away. Melinda didn’t hesitate, moved to lean in closer and gently took his face in her hands.

As her lips brushed against his softly, Phil let escape an audible sigh and pulled her into a close embrace. The kiss was slow and affectionate. Warmth flooded him and for a while he was able to feel completely safe. His hands came to rest at the small of her back, holding her in place, not intending to let go. She concentrated on pouring every bit of love that she was capable of giving into that kiss, as she wrapped her arms around his neck. When they parted again, he rested his head on her shoulder, eyes closed in contentment, and breathing in her scent.

“Phil?” she broke the silence.

“Hm..?”

“You have made mistakes in the past…” He flinched and pulled back a little, so he could look at her again. Melinda’s eyes were gleaming, burning with strength and determination. “But so have I. Those mistakes lie in the past, we both need to move forward. I promised that I’d have your back at any time and I trust you with my life that you’ll do the same for me. I want you to know that I’m here for you, whenever you need me, and that we’re in this together. Understand?”

Phil couldn’t help but smile at her words. He would keep the promise this time, wouldn’t dare to fail and lose her again. Melinda – strong, vivid, beautiful, loving Melinda – was his rock and he would move mountains to make sure she was safe.

“Also, _nobody must know_.”

“Of course, love.” he whispered against her lips as he pulled her in once again.

**Author's Note:**

> This was written quite a while ago, actually, I originally uploaded it on my deviantArt account, but I decided to give this a go.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this piece of writing, I would love to get some feedback, if you have the time! :)


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